The grass had been freshly mowed and stuck to your shoes, to the ball which i was throwing for my dog T and unfortunately to T's tongue, she made some comical faces as she tried to doggie spit them out.  i wondered over to the dying  browndaffidil patches  which for some  unknown reason the council gardeners had left uncut. Kevin sat there on the bench, his two loyal but completelyparanoid border collies barked at me then dropped a small teddybear at my feet .   Kevin moved his bottle of dry cider under the bench, a habbit he always seem to adopt with me anyway. i dont know whether he thinks he thinks i'm going to be offended by his cache of cans and bottles  or whether i might try to drink it myself and we end up having an embarressing  brawl over the last few drops in the bottle.  'aright Jd,' he asks , his fuzzy grey and gold beard catching the sun and some mown grass too, but i didn't feel it was right to point it out. ' been to work last night ave ya'  i shook my head, ' no, i think i always look knackered now' i reply half jokingly but part of me recognises this as being the awful truth too.  We chat about the weather, Kevin then with uncanny acute observation skills of some one who is sober points out a lovely yellow butterfly which flown through tunnel of our conversation.  i just catch sight of it. we comment on how they are not common sight. Then i catch sight of T and my other dog sid, who have had ennough of grass being blown in their eyes and mouths and of paranoid collies barking at them edging to the park exit.

 

paul is just getting up, i'm sure he waits until he hears the door, the sudden movement of floor boards in the bedroom are a give away. he is stripping the lounge walls today.  i remember how rushed i was this morning, making packed lunches for our three kids, getting them to school, nagging them to get a move on and paul just lying in bed,  his thought bubbles appear in my mind 'i don't know why jd gets so stressed, I never get stressed in the morning, i just ly here and chill out....'  i suddenly jump and realise that the double glazing stallation bloke doing our windows, was giving me a funny look, shit, i must of been talking out a loud again. My kids are always saying ' mummy why are you're lips moving?' 

 

MO rang, she has finally had ennough of her boyfriend, father of her second child, its over, she says in the i'm very upset but being brave voice.  she has given way so much in relationship but he does not want her. Remind her that she must not make her self the unwanted rejected victim, he can not handle a relationship - remind of the Naucastistic relationships that many men have, some women but majority of men.  we talk bout the kids, Brendan has got hold of the Wart and verruca remover and ( very cold liquid which is dabbed on the nasty growth and burns it), and has been terrorising the neighbourhood children and dogs with it.  He is now shouting abuse at her from his room.  she tries to ignore but our conversation is often interrupted with ' you have lost another £1 brendon'. ' what did you do that for, stop throwing all the bathroom stuff down the stairs' and 'get into your bedroom now! the latter a bellow which makes me quickly remove the telephone from my ear.

 

i rush off to work, my eldest child Alex is looking after them to night, he has hurriedly ushered his girlfriend into his room. i remind him that he mean't to be looking after the other three chilfren . Max can stay of a bit longer, the younger two mitchell and Gemma are already in bed. its 9.15 p m and i am on duty at 9.30 pm. 

I listen to the handover, Claire xxx can't get better, sent her off after a few minutes of advising her to keep herself occupied.i.e try to do some housework and stop drinking with your medication.  a bloke who wouldn't give his details but wanted to know  why he can't kill himself, let him offload,tried to discuss and suggt how he can  lessen his feeling sof suicide....  The drop in clinic at the city hospital takes calls and sees service users of the Nhs Mental health service.  i have only been on duty a few minutes  when i get a call in from some one says they are having bad thoughts, they are scared their dad will die if they don't do what the voices tell them to do. through out the call, i  notice the anoymous caller moan in discomfort, i asked her what is wrong, she tells me she has stuck a knife into the fat of her stomach, she is too scared to pull it out, she thinks it has gone further then the fat this time by accident, i realise as the  call  continues who it is, and quickly find her address,  eventuallyafter 10 minutes of persuasion, she agrees to my calling an ambulance and said she can get to the door.  i ring the ambulance service, the operator who is very authoritive and controlled when taking the details,  asked what has happened, i reply she has stuck a knife in her stomach, at this there is a 'oh....' then '' right um.. ok an ambulance is on its way. i ring back the caller and speak to her until the ambulance arrives. As the night unfolds and a average flow of scared, confused and some emotionall unmotivated service users arrive to be seen face to face or might telephone for support. 

8am and i am home, the kids are up, my husband paul  who has finished his factory shift is ambling between the shed for a fag  and the bedroom where the computer is swiched on line whilst he knocks back 5% lager in quanties of several cans. i though have the leisurely task of getting the kids packed lunches ready, shouting at them, helping with any last minute crisis i.e not all of home done, question not understood., giving the dogs a quick walk by taking them to school with us. i get to bed by 9.am.